jpoc delivers the news: Jan 2002
New Terror Fear: Bin Laden May Have Secret Soviet Black Hole

Langley Virginia:
American intelligence experts have today raised the frightening prospect that arch terrorist Osama Bin Laden may have managed to aquire the ultimate weapon. Constructed by the Soviets at the height of the cold war, the doomsday device is a microscopic size black hole.

The hole was originally constructed in a top secret research facility hidden in the depths of Siberia. Once created, the hole was charged by firing a stream of electrons into it and the charged hole was stored in a modified synchrotron about the size of a microwave oven.

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, the hole disappeared. Investigators believe that it was smuggled through the Caucasus and then resold to the KLA by Munich arms dealer Pawlyk GmbH. When the Serbs were forced out of Kosovo, the Russian army raced from Bosnia to try to recapture the hole but it was smuggled out, over the mountains to Macedonia and then to Afghanistan via Albania, Chechnya, Tajikistan and Hastings.

National Security Agency sources revealed that the Reagan administration came close to constructing a similar device in the eighties with the intention of deploying it in the path of incoming ballistic missiles. The plan was shelved out of fear that budget cuts could ultimately force an American black hole to be released into the environment to the doom of the entire planet.

If the hole posessed by Bin Laden were to be released, it would sink to the centre of the earth and, from there, it would begin to consume the very substance of the planet. Two to three weeks later, the hole would finally grow and consume the earth's surface ending all life forever.

Senior Islamic Scholar Madassar Hattah warned Bin Laden against using the so called end of the world device saying that, as nothing could escape from a black hole, the souls of all Muslims would be trapped forever in the hole and they would never reach paradise. This interpretation was contested by members of the Spinite sect who hold that, if a believer falls into a hole which is spinning in the direction of Mecca, they will be projected directly into the parallel universe in which paradise is located.

New York barber wows patriotic Americans with new "Daisy Cuts"

In a gesture of defiance, New Yorkers are flocking to upmarket hairdresser Luigi Barberossa who has devised a hair pattern that celebrates the latest US weapon in the war against terrorism.

His so called "Daisy Cut" involves trimming a patch of hair short and then shaving out the pattern of daisy petals. A tuft left in the centre of the pattern is then dyed yellow.

Related News:
US threatens to deploy buttercup vaporizor weapon in new escalation.

US Federal Reserve Bank, Mad Eddie's Bank and the European Central Bank all trim interest rates to 40 year lows.

Great news for mortgage payers.

Bin Laden hailed as the true friend of all Home Owners.

"Say what you like about Bin Laden but without him, Bobby-Ray and I would not be building our new sun deck." Declares Tracy Greed of Dallas.

Politician Resigns.

A heterosexual Scottish politician who had never sold a passport to a corrupt arms dealer resigned.

Last week
New Internet Survey Finds Missing Studs

Many people were shocked last year when they read the results of a British web site survey which claimed that ten percent of all women who access the internet at work have had sex with a man whom they met on line.

Male British web surfers were the most surprised for the simple reason that, as far as they could find out, nobody that they knew was getting any. Indeed, surveys carried out in the UK indicated that less than 0.0001% of British male internet users had achieved anything more than an embarassed smile and a half hearted kiss when meeting a woman whom they had first encountered on line.

If anything, the truth was the most amazing revelation of all. Of 15,534 cases investigated by this website, all but six were down to brothers Kerry and Simon Denton, unemployed carpet fitters from Reading.

Spending almost all day long visiting chat rooms from the comfort of the Reading public library, by night they set off in a pair of battered old Ford Sierras to "do the rounds" as Kerry explained to me.

"We used to go out on motorbikes at first. It was a lot more convenient for parking but after a couple of weeks we realised that you can't do with vibrations down where something is getting so tender."

Sabena announces end to lost luggage

Sabena, the Belgian flag carrier, announced today that it was to implement the latest phase of its far reaching customer uservice improvement plan.

This new phase, known as "operation pull the plug" involves the complete grounding of the airline's fleet in order to eliminate any possibility that luggage could be lost, flights delayed or passengers upset by the airline's notoriously surly cabin crew.

Airline spokesperson Fritz Manger said that, for the first time in its history, the airline had a real chance of getting through a whole day's operations with no lost luggage. If things went to plan he said, the shutdown phase could be extended indefinitely. "This could be great news for travellers." He claimed.

Speaking in a special address to the nation, which owns 50.5% of the airline, Belgian premiere Guy Verhofstadt said. "This is a great opportunity for our nation to refocus on the things that we do so well: Extorting bribes from weapons manufacturers and prosecuting reporters who dare to publish details of our secret investigations into paedophillia in our own Royal Family."

In Brief
US Delta force caught on the hop

Commando loses foot in Taliban raid.

Foreign Secretary believes in death after death

Warns: Bin Laden expected to launch attacks from beyond the grave.

Really old stories
New phase in war on Tourism

FBI determines: half of the people on the hijacked aircraft were Tourists.

Starts to bomb carpets in Afghanistan to reduce souvenir appeal of Afghan Rugs.

UK Government announces measures to be taken in case of UK Anthrax attacks

Next door neighbours to face "contiguous cull" policy.

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